When I was a kid, my Mom used to tell me to count to ten if I ever got really angry. At the time, it seemed like the kind of foolish advice only a parent could give. As an adult, I’ve now learned the power of counting to ten.
As an employee in today’s corporate workplace, there's no doubt that you’ll get into a few skirmishes with your co-workers or superiors during your tenure. The question is how you’ll handle yourself when those situations arise. When it comes to conflict, there are really only two kinds of people in this world: those who allow conflict to show them in their worst possible light, and those who refuse to allow conflict to mitigate their character. In my own experience, I've learned that you can avoid becoming the former by taking time to think before you respond during a heightened emotional conflict.
There’s nothing inherently wrong with conflict in the office. In fact, I'd even argue that some conflict may be necessary while you move your career forward. But the type and duration of the conflict can make an enormous difference. You want people to know that you’re passionate and fiercely committed to your beliefs and that you’ll stand up for those beliefs if pushed to the brink. At the same time, you can’t afford to become known as someone who deals in cheap shots or personal attacks. As human beings, we all have the tendency to say things in the heat of the moment that we’d never say when our tempers or emotions are getting the best of us. That’s why it’s so important to take a step back, whether it's ten seconds or ten minutes, in order to avoid saying something disastrous.
Unfortunately, the omnipresence of technology in our lives has upped the ante when dealing with office conflict. With the advent of email, research shows that more and more interpersonal office skirmishes are occurring in writing. Since you don’t have to say it to the person’s face, writing out what you really think seems easier over email. It’s amazing how brave (or aggressive) we become with a little digital distance between each other. The problem is that once the comment is made, you just can’t take it back.
This is where counting to ten, whether literally or figuratively, is so important in any office conflict. Though it is tempting to have a false sense of bravado when engaging in email conflict, it's best that you take a step back from the conversation for a brief amount of time to gather your thoughts. If you have a tendency to be a belligerent emailer, you may also want to print out a copy of your email before you send it. Read the email back to yourself and try to consider how you would react to it if you were in the recipient’s shoes. Additionally, never put in an addressee in the “to” line until you’re sure the email is safe. When all else fails, stop writing emails and pick up the phone. You’re much more likely to respond like a decent human being.
Occasionally someone will get impatient with your momentary silence and will say something like “Well, what do you have to say?” I find that responding “I’m thinking about how to put this” generally buys you all the time you will need. Engaging your controlled and logical mind by taking a beat also helps you back out of your heightened emotional state, ensuring that your comments are about communicating and not attacking or defending. Controlling yourself in such conflict can be difficult, but it can be done with work and patience.
Conflict happens, but how it is dealt with can lead to either progress or disaster. Don’t be afraid to count to ten and run what you’re about to say through your head once to make sure it’s a productive comment and not just a hasty attack. I’ve tried this countless times in the past few years, and as silly as it sounds, it really works. If you really care about making the most of your job…the next time you get into a battle at work, count to ten or put a little distance between you and the situation before your formulate a response.
